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Moving on, the subject matter of the 70th surah bears evidence that it was sent down in conditions closely resembling those that caused us to endure the refuse of the 69th. It goes something like this: "My god is so nasty, and my critics are so scummy, the former can't wait to punish the latter for denying my illustriousness and nobility." Okay, that was a paraphrase. Here is the real thing: Qur'an 70:1 "A questioner questioned concerning the doom about to fall upon the infidels, which none can avert or repel, a Penalty from the Lord of the Ascending Stairways. To whom the angels and the soul take a day to ascend, whose length is fifty thousand years." The Lord of the House - a dilapidated one-story pile of rocks - now says he has a 50,000-year-long stairway (that takes a day to ascend). Impressive.

But while we're asking questions, I have a few. If infidels (which would be everyone on earth other than Khadija, Muhammad, and Ali) cannot "avert" the "punishment from the Lord" why "threaten" them? Why preach to them? Why create them? Is not the definition of a "sadist" one who tortures those who cannot escape? Is the Islamic god therefore, by definition, a sadist?

This is the eighteenth surah we have reviewed in its entirety. Each has plunged headfirst into the depths of hell. But in this passage, the dark spirit of Islam needed help. Fifteen words have been added within parenthesis by the translators so that we might understand "God's. word. Qur'an 70:5 "So be patient with good patience. They surely think it (the torment) to be far off, but We see (the Day of Doom) (quite) near. On that Day the sky will be like the boiling filth of oil, the mountains will be like tufts of wool. And friends will not ask a friend, though they will be made to see each other. (All will see his father, children and relatives.) The Mujrim (disbeliever) desire will be to free himself from the Punishment by sacrificing his children as a ransom to save himself from the torment." Muhammad must think that everyone is as depraved as he. And like so many who have been tormented before and since, he was unable to break the cycle. The abused became the abuser.

Qur'an 70:12 "He would sacrifice his wife and his brother, and his kin who sheltered him, and all that is on earth to deliver himself from the Doom. By no means! For them it is the Fire of Hell! Plucking apart his body right to the skull! Taking away the head skin. Eager to roast; dragged by the head, hell shall claim all who flee." The Islamic doom cannot be averted or repelled. It is a penalty directly from god, a deity so perverse he personally created a place where men are plucked apart and dragged by their skulls. He is even depicted as eager to roast his creation. It's hard to imagine somebody demented enough to think such thoughts, much less call them scripture.

Now that Muhammad and his Lord have scared the excrement out of us, it's time for some good old-fashioned religion. This is the new prophet's first attempt at establishing Islam. Qur'an 70:19 "Truly man was created impatient; greedy by nature, irritable and perturbed when evil touches him; and niggardly when good touches him." As usual, he begins with a condemnation. Qur'an 70:22 "Not so those who follow (the Book). [This parenthetical was inserted by a translator. Another said, "Not those who worship." I suppose saying "Not so those who follow and worship Muhammad" would have been too accurate and thus incriminating.] Or who are devoted to Salat (prayers)."

Qur'an 70:23 "Those who persevere in devotion [to whom?]; and those in whose wealth is a recognized right [Muhammad's claim to the Ka'aba Inc.], for the needy beggar who asks and the unlucky who has lost his property and wealth [Muhammad again]; and those who hold to the Day of Recompense; and those who fear the torment of their Lord, for their Lord's torment is such none can feel secure; and those who preserve their chastity (those who guard their private parts) except with their wives and the slave girls they possess - for which there is no blame, [Sex with slaves is okay with Islam's god. Since slavery is involuntary servitude and rape is involuntary sex, the Qur'an just condoned rape.] and those who respect their trusts; and those who stand firm in their testimonies; and those who guard their worship [How can one guard worship when the Qur'an has yet to explain it?]; such will be the honored ones in the Gardens of Bliss."

Muhammad's initial plunge into Islamic doctrine wasn't very good. The Straight Path to Paradise leaves much to be desired. But I suppose there is some good news here if you're a Muslim. Everything in this list is linked with "and those who" which means if you do any one of these things you're in the Garden. So any of the following will work: saying some prayers, getting it on with a sex slave, recognizing your wealth, or begging for money.

No wonder there are so many Muslims. How can you miss with a religion like this? But knowing Muhammad as we do, I'm sure it's not all sweetness and light. He's dished out as much positive stuff as he can endure. Qur'an 70:36 "What is the matter with the disbelievers that they rush madly to listen to you (Muhammad in order to belie you and mock you and Allah's Book)? Doesn't every man long to enter the Garden of Delight? No. I'm not looking for a drunken orgy, multiple virgins, low-hanging fruit, or any of the other things Muhammad's spirit claimed are in store for his pals. However, for those who are, I wouldn't trust this guy to deliver.

Qur'an 70:39 "By no means! For We have created them out of the base matter they know not! [I think god just said, "We don't know Shinola because he made us out of Shinola."] I am called to witness (swear by) the Lord of the (365) points of sunrise and sunset in the east and west that We can certainly replace them, substituting better men than they. [Holy Rock-of-the-Ka'aba - the Islamic god said humans are expendable. So much for the benevolent and merciful theory.] And We are not to be defeated in Our Plan. And we are not to be outrun." Qur'an 70:42 "So let them chat vainly and play about, with their idle disputes until they encounter that Day of Doom which they have been threatened! They will rise from their sepulchers in sudden haste as if they were rushing to a goal, their eyes lowered in dejection and disgrace, aghast, abasement stupefying them - ignominy shall overtake them! Such is the Day that they are threatened with!" The Merciful Ar-Rahman sounds like such a friendly god, doesn't he? If he's this charming, I can hardly wait to meet Allah.